with cheese, please

“No, I’m sorry officer, I really do have no idea why you pulled me over.”

“Uhhhh, I mean, it could just be the extra sleeves of Girl Scout Thin Mint’s I’ve been eating lately, right doc??”

my favorite perfume is finally in stores! It has notes of jasmine, gardenia and 69-ing.

“WE GOT ANOTHER ONE!”- business owner who started small with a simple dream & wasn’t prepared when they struck gold and REALLY expanded.

“KIDS! I have those cute little sea shaped pastas you love for dinner! You know, the ones with the mouth sores. COME AND GET EM.”

“She was also survived by her dog, Cuddles, who took a shit on her bed every single night and never really liked her and her Dwarf Hamster, Snuffy, who bit her so hard, it sent her to the hospital with blood poisoning.”

Needless to say, I think AJ cleaned up in the will.

OUCH! Harsh sentence, bro. Are you sure you don’t just wanna take the 10-15 yr sentence in jail for drug charges instead? You’re just lucky it wasn’t for murder. Those thugs are sentenced to The Olive Garden. 

Do I smell a new ad campaign for Red Lobster???

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family”

“Red Lobster: When you’re here, you’re court mandated or your ass gets locked up. But try one of our cheddar bay biscuits anyway.”

This guy LOVES giant corporations more than he loves tattoos. You DO NOT even want to know where he has the Target bullseye logo on his body.

Jesus may totally save from hell, but he definitely can’t save your eyes from seeing that pierced scrotum in front of you.

Reserved only for Hummer drivers, Kawasaki Ninjas and/or my boss

“She totally sucks. I even got it tattooed up my arm. i want the world to know. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. It’s a cry for help.”

No, it’s not an urban legend.

Introducing: Orgasm Barbie by Mattel

Comes (pun totally intended) complete with:

• one slutty bikini top (as shown)
• Ken’s working tongue

Sorry, doggie not included

So let me get this straight… you lost your virginity only 11 years ago and you’ve already thrown in the towel and started driving a mini van?? Poor thing.