with cheese, please

I really feel good about this year. Could it have something to do with the fact that 12 has always been my lucky number? Maybe. But I am really taking this whole “make some serious New Years resolutions that I can keep to help me stay on track and really kill is 2012” thing seriously. 

So without further ado, here are my top New Year’s Resolutions that I am REALLY gonna keep, to try to make 2012 an awesome year and to hope that the Mayan’s aren’t right.

1. Eat more, move less. 

Sounds simple, I know, but sometimes I have the urge to want to get up and walk around. NOPE. NOT THIS YEAR. I’m staying strong and getting myself one step closer to fulfilling the NY Resolutions of entering into a world of morbid obesity, laziness and type 2 diabetes like the rest of America. I WILL NOT BE LEFT OUT. See you at Arby’s!

2. Spend more cold hard ca$h.

Given my resolution number 1, I’m probably never going to see the day where my hard work saving for a 401K or Roth IRA is going to pay off. I want to not take this whole saving business seriously, so much that I am going to start blowing my nose with only 20 dollar bills ala Dumb and Dumber style. What good is worrying about the future when you can’t enjoy the present? So instead, I am going to put the saving nonsense aside and hit the mall. A GIRL HAS GOT TO LOOK GOOD WHILE TRYING TO KILL IT IN 2012, RIGHT???

3. Drink More. Much More.

Again, i’m combining my resolutions 1 & 2 to make this 3rd one totally possible. I wanna spend hours in Atlantic City throwing back Malibu Bay Breezes and loving 2012. And nobody likes an uptight stiff anyway. Gimme 10 minutes before I’m swinging topless from the chandelier in Caeser’s Palace. NBD

4, Watch more reality TV.

I actually don’t know how I can up the anti from 2011 on this one, but i certainly will put in a valiant effort. Real Housewives of anywhere, don’t let me down! 

5. Be more selfish.

Thats right. Fewer doors will be held for strangers. More incoming cell phone calls will be sent straight to voicemail. Less emails will be answered. NO Facebook friends requests will be accepted. Can’t wait until 2012 introduces me into a world of being a dick-headed, shut-in. More time for me to watch anything on Bravo, while stuffing my face with Popeye’s and washing it down with a Cosmo. *sighh*

6. Be way less productive at work. This is my final resolution for 2012.

I’ve been doing it all wrong in 2011. I showed up early, multi tasked, stayed late and really put in a hard days work. AND FOR WHAT?? Do you KNOW how many viral youtube videos of singing cats and clumsy puppies I could have been surfing the web for?? On company time??? Do you know how many naps I could have taken, while making myself LOOK like i was actually doing work? Or how many “smoke breaks” i could have faked just to have some bonding, gossip time with my co-workers who actually DO smoke? Or just HOW many pairs of polar fleece nordic gloves I could have ordered from LL Bean? I MEAN COME THE FUCK ON PEOPLE. If i added up all of the time i could have been doing other things instead of working hard, it would add up to 7 hours and 25 minutes, leaving only a solid 35 minutes of me having to do actual work. The jig is up 2012. Can’t wait to be one step closer to a pink slip and that sweet Obama unemployment check in 2012. This could not have all come together more perfectly.

I am really looking forward to 2012 being my year, provided that Nostradamus doesn’t go and fuck it all up. Happy New Year, friends <3