with cheese, please

Happy (almost) Valentine’s Day to everyone out there! I am often asked by my friends (guy friends specifically)  what they can get their significant others for Valentine’s Day because they are sick of the typical flowers, perfume and candy. Well, fear not, my friends. I am here to help!

What to get the girl who has everything and wants something different ???

I put together a list of a couple of “not so typical” gifts that would be PERFECT for your little pookie tomorrow. So get your credit card out and get ready to have the most romantic night of your life.

1. A Vampire Maxi-Pad

Everybody knows that girls find vampires so sexy. And they are all of the rage right now and hotter than ever. Now what better way to incorporate them into your girlfriends life but to put them on her maxi-pad?  After all, every girl gets their period, and usually dreads it. This cute little printed maxi might ease the blow of hormone overload, PMS, bloating and irritability, just by staring at this sexy vampires face. Guaranteed to make every girl feel like Bella Swan and to help you score some extra points in the bedroom when she pictures you as her Edward Cullen. ANNND there is no bigger buzz kill on Valentine’s Day than a pregnant chick, so this will definitely send her the sweet message that screams ” I can’t wait until you start menstruating next, baby.”

2. Hot Sauce

You want to spice things up?  Check.

You like hot things? Check

You love her butt? Check

Introducing Valentine’s Day Spicy Hot Sauce! Perfect for the couple that wants to add some flavor in the bedroom.

NEED I SAY MORE? Eat some, and let the Valentine’s magic unfold.

You’re welcome.

3. A tattoo for her

What better way to show your girl that you are serious about your future together than to get something that you will have FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER branded on your body?? A tattoo is the perfect way to say ” I love you.”

I’m a little weary of you getting your girlfriends name tattooed on you until you see where this relationship is headed, and getting something as simple as a rose or a cross is also not exactly what I had in mind. I was thinking something more along the lines of SHOWING your girl how exactly you think of her and what your relationship signifies to you in the form of a sweet tattoo.

SWOON! <3

4. Dinner Reservations at the Hottest and Most Romanic New Spot

YUM. Voted a ” MUST EAT” on Yelp! 

The waiters are dressed in lab coats adorned with stethoscopes and you can eat at your very own table with your feet in stirrups. Instead of silverware, they serve the food with forceps and even have an assortment of “Highlights” and “American Baby” magazines in the waiting area.VERY APPETIZING.

But because this is such a hot new place, there is usually a few week wait for a reservation. You may luck out and find a cancelation for tomorrow, and if so, make sure you try the bento BOX. A true Gynecology delicacy.

5. Sexy Clothing

…..And if you can’t find the perfect outfit to wear out to your dinner reservations at the Gyno restaurant, this subtle Valentine’s dress is a MUST HAVE.

It screams, “anal for dessert.”

6.  Plan her death

THIS is the ULTIMATE jackpot Valentine’s prize! 

There is absolutely NOTHING more romantic that puts you in the mood and screams “I love you forever” than planning your girlfriends funeral. Imagine the look on her face when she opens up her tiny box and expects to be getting some Tiffany’s jewels and sees a piece of paper with her cemetery plot and casket all picked out. Or if she’s into cremation, you can give her the most exquisite urn and have her rest assured that you just promised to one day burn her dead body and dump the ashes in a jar to keep mounted on your mantle. I don’t know much, but i CAN promise that this gift would be a guaranteed panty dropper.

So no matter which one of these gifts you decide to shower her with tomorrow, just know that she will really know how much you adore her. Wishing all y’all the most romantic and sweetest Valentine’s Day!

…And if you don’t have a Valentine, just know that you are not alone and that cats are up for adoption at the nearest animal shelter and would be a great way to keep you company and a good companion for a candlelit dinner and bubble bath tomorrow.